HGA 2015

Jan:

     A palpable falling sensation, a little thrilling.  Like a warning?  Or a truth?  What do you call that?

Some sensation of a lost connection, like something that watched over me doesn't anymore.

Probably all of last year?

    I started the working again in January.  The usual way.  Mantra and stillness, nothing external

seems to work, and I tend to want my eyes closed.  Knees have yet to act up from the lotus, I sit until

my feet fall asleep.  Trying seems important, so I try really hard.

    Previous experience granted me the sound of a name and an image to work with.  I should draw a

new one but as of this writing the newest I still have I drew in 2004 (?) I think, which ages the last

time I did a working of this nature.  I cut 12 pieces of illo this week, so maybe I'll do that many

drawings.

    For the last week, serious changes.  I find the operation of my lookout vastly simpler and easier.

However, still developing the new ritual, HGA gets out different every time I do it.  Comes out

and takes a lot of repetition to complete itself.  It likes to complete itself, not for me to complete it.

Still quite nascent and new.

    2 days ago, I experienced a new sensation of arrhythmia.  Last it occurred was Christmas day and

 none before that.  Strange signpost, anxety inducing.  Mind immediately leaps to the natural habitat

of the work I do in the world.  How long can I do that job and live?  Did I miss

some horrible accident that might have been?  With no way of knowing the answer to either of these

questions with any certainty until they.  If I worked hard enough I could probably develop visions

that could 'prove' any number of things.

    I woke up from what I think was a deep sleep with an intensely anxious feeling.  My heart beat

felt rapid and way higher up than usual, not as high as my throat.  The edges of the world became a

tunnel that got smaller and smaller.  I made no accurate measure but what felt like a very long

minute passed like this and then my heart returned to normal and the world stopped seeming to close

in but I felt very heavy.

   I wanted to get up and have a look at myself in the mirror, but I had to wait.  I looked okay, not

sweaty, no sudden dark bags, no noticeable dizziness.  I went back to bed.  It happened 3 more times

that night, the final time around 2:47 am.

   I had chest pain in the morning that persists to now.  Got over a coughing something last week

though, also work with my hands.

    Doctor says probably just benign arrhythmia.  I agree for now.  I can find things that will increase

chances for survival.  If something causes more arrhythmia I can consider it harmful if I choose,

and then white it out or replace it with something else that I attach to my survival.  If I decide to live

than anything that I connect to that basal level becomes compulsory and part of this constant ritual

I'm still working up to.

    I tend to have a high capacity for inertia, but all I've ever decided to do is live.