Saturday, January 24, 2015

HGA 2015


     A palpable falling sensation, a little thrilling.  Like a warning?  Or a truth?  What do you call that?

Some sensation of a lost connection, like something that watched over me doesn't anymore.

Probably all of last year?

    I started the working again in January.  The usual way.  Mantra and stillness, nothing external

seems to work, and I tend to want my eyes closed.  Knees have yet to act up from the lotus, I sit until

my feet fall asleep.  Trying seems important, so I try really hard.

    Previous experience granted me the sound of a name and an image to work with.  I should draw a

new one but as of this writing the newest I still have I drew in 2004 (?) I think, which ages the last

time I did a working of this nature.  I cut 12 pieces of illo this week, so maybe I'll do that many


    For the last week, serious changes.  I find the operation of my lookout vastly simpler and easier.

However, still developing the new ritual, HGA gets out different every time I do it.  Comes out

and takes a lot of repetition to complete itself.  It likes to complete itself, not for me to complete it.

Still quite nascent and new.

    2 days ago, I experienced a new sensation of arrhythmia.  Last it occurred was Christmas day and

 none before that.  Strange signpost, anxety inducing.  Mind immediately leaps to the natural habitat

of the work I do in the world.  How long can I do that job and live?  Did I miss

some horrible accident that might have been?  With no way of knowing the answer to either of these

questions with any certainty until they.  If I worked hard enough I could probably develop visions

that could 'prove' any number of things.

    I woke up from what I think was a deep sleep with an intensely anxious feeling.  My heart beat

felt rapid and way higher up than usual, not as high as my throat.  The edges of the world became a

tunnel that got smaller and smaller.  I made no accurate measure but what felt like a very long

minute passed like this and then my heart returned to normal and the world stopped seeming to close

in but I felt very heavy.

   I wanted to get up and have a look at myself in the mirror, but I had to wait.  I looked okay, not

sweaty, no sudden dark bags, no noticeable dizziness.  I went back to bed.  It happened 3 more times

that night, the final time around 2:47 am.

   I had chest pain in the morning that persists to now.  Got over a coughing something last week

though, also work with my hands.

    Doctor says probably just benign arrhythmia.  I agree for now.  I can find things that will increase

chances for survival.  If something causes more arrhythmia I can consider it harmful if I choose,

and then white it out or replace it with something else that I attach to my survival.  If I decide to live

than anything that I connect to that basal level becomes compulsory and part of this constant ritual

I'm still working up to.

    I tend to have a high capacity for inertia, but all I've ever decided to do is live.


Thursday, January 8, 2015


Birth. A powerful threshold experience resulting in a deep and profound impression.  Seems even deeper considering the relative dearth of other impressions at that moment.

That first scream, the result of millions of completely alien signals shredding the nervous system to pieces and then rapidly reassembling it.

How much do we 'know' prior to birth?

Have we already cut pain or pleasure or some other deep canal into our brains by then?  It's hard to imagine any other first binary.  Perhaps our birth itself creates the binary and in that moment the first hard chiselling is made.

Run towards this, run away from that, stay in the middle.

Doomed to walk in that first deep wound forever, any way.

Can an impression this deep ever truly wear off or wear out or grow out?

What happens when this impression does wear off or wear out or grow out or when we manage to transcend it?